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Rambling…..

Earlier I wrote about my grandmother… and how I didn’t want her in my life. (which is true)  I know this sounds uncaring, and mean… but there is a lot of pain behind this choice.

I wondering if I am supposed to talk to her, meet her.. not for her…. but so I can let go of my past? Sounds selfish and uncaring but it is what it is…. sigh.

I keep getting told that I am still living a bit in my past, even though I don’t see this… maybe this is one of those areas that I need to face head on.

…. Shrugs ….

I just don’t know if I am emotionally  or mentally ready to handle it. I am not sure I am able to handing the upheaval of emotions that I will feel… the sadness, the pain, the hurt, the emotions, the lack of understanding. I closed this chapter of my life not because it was easy to do, but because it was the only thing I could do to move forward.

I am not sure I can forgive what happened. I am not sure if I can forgive her for her part in it all. I am not sure I can deal with reopening old wounds, and having to bleed again.

It is easy from the outside to look in and say… yes you should go talk to her/see her. But emotionally I am not sure I can…

…………………….

Part of me I think is angry cause why do I have to deal with this on Christmas/Christmas Eve… I don’t want to. I don’t want her desire to talk to me… to ruin my day. Selfish I know… but I don’t want to have to deal with the phone that keeps ringing over and over again… cause she has decided that if she calls enough times someone will finally decide to pick up.

…………………..

I wonder if part of loving myself, accepting myself, finding inner peace and happiness comes from facing ones past emotions… and letting them go.

sigh…  these emotions are in a box, a simple box in my head. A box I don’t go near ever, I don’t touch cause I see no point in doing so…

Right now I want to scream from the top of a mountain WTF…

standing at the top

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