Gasp…. my Christmas Eve was pretty darn good. Everyone was nice and charming… well everyone except my aunt who was drunk as a skunk (as she usually is), and proceeded to ask questions for all the wrong reasons…. I avoided her like the plague.
I had a really good time. I enjoyed talking to my family, learning what was new in their lives, what they hope to achieve in the coming months, what trips they were going on, what new projects that had on hand.. etc etc.
I think once I decided to get out of my own way by deciding not to allow my fears and insecurities take over… things went well. I also think by choosing to be positive/thankful for things made all the difference as well.
So go me… grins.
I am pretty proud of myself for going into a situation that is normally pretty stressful and taking control by deciding how I would interact/relate to people before I got there. I over came my fears/insecurities and feel a bit wiser. (at least for the moment)
Things changed when we came home… and this is where frustration sets in.
My grandmother who I have chosen not to have in my life (because of extenuating circumstances) called and left three v/m messages… saying I am not doing well, sounding horrible on the phone, and pleading with my parents that she just wanted to speak to me.
And I ended up looking like this very cold hearted person as my family looked at me/said it is really crappy you haven’t called her.
Yet, I don’t want her to be part of my life. I don’t want to deal with her, I don’t want to see her. I am not interested in contacting her. I wrote her off years ago.. and I am not looking to open that chapter in my life again. I am not interested in facing it again, or dealing with the emotions that come with it. I was done years ago, and don’t want to rehash the past.
And I am angry cause I feel like this is being thrust upon me, that I am this horrible person for not taking steps to contact her, for not keeping the line of communication open, for not seeing her. Yet I don’t want to, and I honestly can’t see myself feeling any regret if I don’t do so.
Sigh.. I hate when I figure one thing out… and get blindsided by another.
Tomorrow I need to work on what to do next mentally and emotionally to find an sense of peace with all of this. Cause I haven’t a clue what to do, how to handle it, and nor do I want to