I miss being in a relationship.
- I miss being able to share my life with another.
- I miss cuddling.
- I miss flirting. (cause errk I am one of those who doesn’t flirt outside of a relationship… I don’t understand how to, so I just don’t)
- I miss learning about another.
- I miss leaning on another.
- I miss being able to let down my guard with another person.
- I miss the D/s aspects.
- I miss submitting.
- I miss the closeness.
- I miss the sweetness.
- I miss the little things.
Part of me really wants to be in a relationship again… I crave it. Yet, I know right now isn’t the right time. I need to work on myself by: finding internal happiness, loving myself, liking myself, and getting my life straightened out.
Which is frustrating…
I feel this sense of pressure internally/externally to get to a point of loving and accepting myself. It is this feeling that if I don’t do this, I will never be truly happy, and I will spend the rest of my life …wanting.
Yet… it is frustrating cause I am getting older (older than I want to admit) and in the back of my head I know I have spent years working on myself. I have done a whole lot of work to get to the point that I am at and it frustrating cause it isn’t enough to achieve/acquire the things I want/need in my life.
I would like – a healthy D/s relationship, to get married, to have a family, be loved/love someone,enjoy my life, be financially secure (Last one I am working on). Yet all of this is out of my reach, until I can love myself completely.
Most likely this sounds pretty reasonable on the outside looking in, but emotionally it is rough going cause it feels like I am always reaching out for that brass ring… but it is always just out of reach.
Sigh I am willing to bet… that I already have the brass ring… I just can’t find it/see it yet. (I wrote this, but have a hard time believing it.. interesting)
So with that… while I want to be in a relationship… I can’t go in that direction in my life right now. Cause as much as a relationship will fulfill certain needs.. it can’t fix me, it can’t make me happy, it can’t make me love myself and or like myself.
Or so I tell myself.