Each day that goes by, I shed a bit of my old self.
As I work to remove each layer, step by step I am finding that I haven’t been kind to myself over the years. That I constantly used myself as a punching bag, beating myself up every time something happened.
There is a saying of – “you are your own worst enemy” and that is true in my case. I have been crueller to myself than any one else might have/could have been. I have torn myself apart, shredded my insides, and tried to destroy myself piece by piece.
All I knew was the pain, anger, guilt, shame, frustration, self hate, depression, etc and I couldn’t understand the concept of self-love. And I especially couldn’t figure out why I should even love myself when I felt so worthless.
If you’re like me you hear from others – take time to love yourself, like yourself, appreciate yourself, let go of the pain, let yourself forgive, let go of the anger… etc
And my reaction was something along the lines of – go f*** yourself. OK, Well maybe not that blunt of a reaction, but it was shut up already… I can’t see a reason why I should love myself, take care of myself, work on myself… so go away and stop bothering me with this nonsense.
I couldn’t see the good in myself, that others saw. I had covered it up with layers upon layers of emotions and didn’t have a clue how to change things that were so ingrained.
It has taken me over 10 years to get to the point that I am close to loving myself… Over this time frame I have(well for the most part):
- Shed my raging temper
- Learned to make friends,
- I no longer take things a personally
- I no longer feel abandoned
- I no longer react out of fear
- I no longer feel as lonely
- I no longer allow myself – to beat myself up
- I no longer feel hatred towards myself
- I no longer feel like there is a huge weight on my shoulders
- I no longer eat to make myself feel better
- I no longer feel this ever lasting sense of sadness
- I no longer feel worthless
- I no longer feel as depressed
- I now know what it feels to be cared for
- I now know what it feels to love another and be loved
I am working on:
- My guilt
- My shame
- My need to forgive myself and others
- My need to accept myself
- My confidence
- My self-worth
- My depression
- My need to love myself unconditionally
- My need to take care of myself
I am hoping that by the time next year rolls around that I will have checked off a few/all of the things I am currently working on.