I have always defined myself as submissive or more .. a submissive… and right now… I don’t know how I define who I am and/or what I want in a relationship any more.
I know I am struggling with this because I am not in a relationship, nor do I want one at the moment. (Sigh.. scratch that.. I might want to be in a relationship but it isn’t healthy for me to be in one… or so I keep needing to remind myself.)
I know when I am not in a relationship or not feeling my submission it goes into hybernation and I can’t feel it, see it, taste it, touch it. It is as if it doesn’t exist. I know this is a defense mechnanism on my end to protect myself, to avoid getting hurt as I work on myself. Especially since I have experienced it before when I was between relationships so it is nothing new.
Yet it is painful at the same time, because I feel pretty lost since a huge part of how I define myself is missing. It is painful because I am not one with myself. It is painful because I am going through all the layers of confusion… of am I submissive, do I really want that sort of relationship again, do I have it in me to even submit again? etc
It is the last question that bothers me the most… since I don’t know if I have ever fully submitted and I am not sure I can submit. So part of me wonders if I am just fooling myself by going down this road again.
I know a lot of it has to do with my EX, and how I wanted/desired to submit but I also knew in my gut that the relationship wasn’t healthy. I know that if I submitted he would destory me.
So I don’t know if I can’t submit, if I am unwilling to submit, or if I just haven’t found the right person to submit to.
And this is really a tough question.. cause I can’t answer it, I can’t fix it, I can’t work on it, I can’t do anything about the emotional aspects of it cause right now this part of me is on hold while i take the time to work on myself.
I can’t work on myself for myself if i am in a relationship. I won’t put the time into me, I will put it into him. I won’t take the time to fix myself, work on myself and I will find reasons not to. Even if he pushes me to work on myself it won’t be the same as if i work on myself by myself.
The reason why I say this is cause, I will bend myself in ways to please him.. rather then for myself. So… How can I figure out who I am, love who i am, accept who i am… if I don’t do it on my own.
So… this is something I am struggling with… big time cause a huge part of me is completely shut down. (cause it needs to be)
I realize that I don’t always have to like things for things to be good for me..