I am struggling lately. … it might be pms… shrugs
But I feel like cause I took down/had help taking down a lot of walls inside my head that a lot of stuff from my past is really sensitive lately.
When I talk about my EX… I feel myself starting to cry. It isn’t as if I haven’t worked on my baggage, it isn’t like I haven’t processed it over the years since we parted way, it isn’t like I haven’t worked my tail off to get past/through all the damage that was caused by him.
Yet, since the last set of walls have come down, and I am working on myself HE is coming up again. All the emotions, all the pain, all the rejection, all the brain washing, all the issues.
And I know when I start working full time that I am going to sit down with someone and really work things out so that it no longer haunts me, hurts me, hinders me.
I also know that one of the reasons why it is hitting me so hard is because it is emotions that I kept from myself, protected myself from… so that I wouldn’t have to feel it
I know one of the reasons why I am so raw is because I am finally strong enough to deal with my past, I am finally able to handle it, I am finally able to work through it without it setting me backwards.
I know, or at least I hope that once I work through that relationship completely with someone… that I will be free of him I will be free of the issues, the pain, the problems, the baggage, the rejection…
I will no longer have that relationship holding me back…
I get all this… yet it is hard in the here and now.. cause I don’t have a full time job, I can’t go see someone and work things out. Especially since I need someone who is highly qualified, who on one hand has been around the block enough that they understand D/s relationships, that they understand and know how to reverse brain washing, that they know how to deal with some pretty intense things.
So I can’t go to just anyone, cause I thought about going to a student who is starting their training and getting their feet wet but they wouldn’t have a clue what to do with me.
I know I need someone who understands relationship counseling… not so much cause i am in a relationship but so I can really understand the good and the bad of what makes up a positive relationship.
I just don’t know what to do right now.. cause I feel pretty emotional lately, I feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears or anger and I wish I could say this is a bad thing.. but it isn’t… it is a really good healthy thing cause I kept all of these emotions locked up inside of me… and I appeared to everyone else and myself as being able to deal with things…
Yet I hadn’t dealt with anything.
I think I am scared though to talk to someone, cause I am scared of how much is there… that I don’t even know is there? I am guessing there are layers upon layers of stuff that i need to process and work through and it could be a difficult number of months emotionally to go through all fo that.
And it is one thing to choose to work on yourself.. it is quite enough to become very emotionally raw as you examine yourself from the inside out.. and pull out all the insides and expose yourself.
That is going to be rough going to get to that point and do that and be able to hold myself together through the day-to-day activities.. ie work.
I don’t think I have ever been completely raw to myself before or to anyone else. And yes I know being a submissive one is supposed to be raw and opened and transparent yet I am not sure I have ever been completely that way.
I think I thought I was, I think I wanted to be… but i am not sure I have ever really been that way because I wasn’t able to get to the core of bs inside of me and work on it.
So when I go through this process it should be an interesting one to say the least