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cleansing of pain

I realize that part of my process of loving myself/accepting myself is that I need to learn to become raw, open, honest and vulnerable with myself.

That I can no longer hide.

I have been scared for as long as I can remember to see myself for who I was. I thought for sure that the person I saw when I stripped myself bare would be someone i disliked, someone who I couldn’t face, and/or someone I hated.

I was terrified to take the steps to see myself for who I was, because I didn’t know if I could live with what I found. What if deep down inside, I didn’t like me?

I was scared of my own reflection, because for years all I knew was the pain, the hurt, and the hate I had for myself.

I thought my reflection was who I was. I didn’t realize until i worked through the pain, the hurt, and stopped hating myself… that only then would I be able to see myself for who I really was not for the reflection I thought I saw.

…………………………………………

I am starting to realize now that I created my own reflection because it is how I saw myself. That I felt bad, so i wanted to see bad. I couldn’t/didn’t want to see the positives.

My reflection… was also how I judged my own worth, I didn’t judge myself off of what I really was worth.. but by what I wanted to see… thus I saw myself as not worthy.

Nothing could change my mind, because I was too set in my ways…

…………………………………………………..

I didn’t know how to love, accept the person I was… because i didn’t know who i was down to my core.

I had never been able to get past my fears,  to see who i really was deep down inside because I couldn’t even fathom facing them.

I didn’t think i was strong enough to see myself, the real me and be able to handle what I saw.

…………………………………..

I know differently now

I am finding as I start to look at myself (all of me) that I am stronger than I ever realized, that I like what I see, and I am learning to accept myself more as each day passes.

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